It’s 4:24 PM, September 30th. Grief is cruel. As soon as you think you have a grip on things, something happens to flip your emotions upside down.

This morning I thought I had everything under control. I didn’t even cry.

But then I got in the shower and looked at my shrinking stomach and cried. And then that thought led to so many others.

My sweet Lyla pointed out my belly and noted that mommy has a big belly- this has been a topic of conversation in our home for several months now.

Mommy’s growing belly with her baby brother.

Lyla would pat my belly in her sweet attempt to show that she would be gentle with him.

My sweet girl has seen her mommy so sad this past week.

This breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart that she has seen me so upset and that it affects her.

In her sweet voice she’ll ask me and her daddy if mommy is sad.

In my attempt to reassure her, I’ll tell her that I am sad but I then give her a kiss and tell her how much she makes me happy.

There is no way I could get through this without her.

Steven keeps reminding me that she needs her mommy.

And that is my motivation every single day.

 

It’s 5:19 AM, September 27th. Before I typed this date, I had to go back and look at the calendar. My heart hurts to know that time is moving on.

I want it to just stop.

I don’t want it to move on. I don’t want the movements I felt of my baby boy inside me to get dulled.

I know I’ve said this before, but the mornings are the worst. Waking up and instantly being reminded of the pain of losing him.

I found a baby picture of Lyla from our newborn shoot where Steven and I are holding her, and there is no question that they were siblings.

The similarities between them blew me away. She would have been the best big sister.

The other day I was looking for a long sleeve shirt for her to wear and pulled out a new one.I instantly told her this one would be perfect and after I unfolded it and read the text, my heart dropped.

The shirt read “Super Sister”. I folded it up and put it back in her drawer burying it under her other shirts.

My family, when I found out I was pregnant with Scotty, was complete. Steven and I were going to be done having our own children after this second pregnancy.

And when we found out we were pregnant with a boy? Complete joy. One of each! I would have a baby boy and Steven had a son.

We both had so many dreams of our family and what our future looked like.

Just for them to be crushed.

Everything was just too perfect.

Life was too sweet.

Grief is hard. You don’t want to move on. I almost want to stay sad forever. But my sadness moves to anger and then back to sadness.

I want to find a light in this situation.

Maybe one day we will, but for now it’s just complete darkness.

It’s 6:27 AM, September 26th. Time just keeps passing by, and I want it to stop. Whenever I feel as though I’m having a “good” hour- I feel guilty.

I’m not ready to be happy. How can I be?

I don’t even know how to sort through my thoughts this morning. They’re literally all over the place.

But completely consumed by Scotty.

I love him so, so much. It’s so painful how much I love him.

Steven and I go into Lyla’s room as she’s sleeping to pray near her every night before coming to bed.

Last night I didn’t. And the night before my prayer turned to anger.

I would pray thanking God for giving me a healthy body to carry my babies. For blessing us with such healthy babies.

Every day this was my prayer.

He failed me.

I’m so angry as to why He did this to me and my family.

But then I think. Maybe he saved Scotty from any suffering. Maybe all this suffering, pain, and sadness is all for Scotty.

I would have done anything for him.

I still will do anything for him.

That’s what you do for your children.

As my father-in- law told Steven, and I’m holding onto these words, Scotty went so pure and so perfect that he is literally the son of God.

My baby was perfect- in every way.

I just wish I could hold him, kiss him, and whisper how much I love him in his ear.

But for now, we keep chasing those evening skies looking for our Scotty.