It’s 5:34 AM, September 30th. One week has gone by without our Scotty. One week from when we found out about the loss of a heartbeat. And one week from looking at the most beautiful face and taking in every inch of the most perfect baby boy.

It’s still unreal.

This still doesn’t feel like my life.

But it is and slowly, ever so slowly, I think I’m coming to grips with it.

The part I struggle with the most is why him?

I took care of my body.

I took care of him while he was with me.

And he was so healthy.

This was going to be another perfect pregnancy with another perfect baby.

But that’s not what God had planned.

And I just can’t understand why.

Yesterday we knew we needed to get out of the house. So we decided to go to an apple farm.

The weather was perfect and the fresh air did our family some good.

I made Steven drive to one that was over an hour away (there is one much closer to our home). But I’m terrified of seeing someone we know while we’re out.

As we walked the apple farm, I thought about how nobody has any idea that just a week ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

To the world, they don’t see the heavy hearts we wear and the sweet baby boy we carry with us.

It’s just so weird. I have two children.

I gave birth to two babies. But to strangers…

I can’t even form these words. I have them in my head but I can’t put them down.

Because he is so, so real. He is our son.

He is Scotty.

And in God’s own way, he’s reminding us that he is in control and Scotty is always with us.

Like when we were making our way to a pony ride for Lyla and a group of kids ran in front of us. They were laughing and having fun when one of the kids shouted to their friend-

their friend named Scotty.